Shame, Trauma and Chosen Community/Scream Therapy
We tend to experience shame as individual but it’s always relational.
I often post the questions I’m struggling with on social media and I have such awesome online friends that I always get great responses. Here’s something I posted last week and a few of my favorite replies:
Shame, Trauma and Chosen Community
I've had a number of clients in my private practice over the last three years who struggled with crippling shame that came from feelings that they had been not been "accountable" for past actions involving sexual misconduct or boundary crossing. I am personally well acquainted with this kind of shame so I’m a good person to talk to about it.
There was a sense with all of these clients that they had committed terrible things, that upon examination, didn't seem as terrible as they thought. They feared that if their wider radical-left punk community knew what they had done they would be ostracized, cancelled and labeled an untouchable: a perpetrator of unforgivable acts.
The framework I've used to work with this kind of situation is called "centered accountability" and I learned it when I was studying and practicing generative somatics. Centered accountability involves noticing the parts of ourselves that feel over-accountable (it's all my fault and I'm a terrible person) and the parts that are under-accountable (why is everyone making such a big deal about this? bitches be crazy.) and then focusing on the idea that we can hold complexity -- both be accountable and know what is not our responsibility, while staying connected in relationship. The relationship part is really important, because shame is always related to our connections with others.
It turns out it’s not always that easy to achieve centered accountability. We learn to feel shame because of the unskillful way our parents attuned to us, or ugly shit that happened to us in school when we were kids. Shame is often passed down intergenerationally, through families but also through culture and through education and religious institutions. Because it happens when we are young it is considered developmental trauma. Those of us with developmental trauma related to shame can feel like there's something inherently wrong with us, that deep down we deserve to be punished. So when we are called out for unaccountable behavior we swing back and forth on a pendulum between over and under accountability. It is as if we have hurt younger parts inside of us that are stuck back in the past that have spent their whole lives hiding as a survival strategy. This is a huge stumbling block to getting clarity and being genuinely accountable with the people in our lives. It takes a lot of compassion and patience to hold space for those younger parts and listen to their stories.
But I've also come to see that there are some really absurd things going on out there that get called "accountability processes," especially with young punk folks. I’ve heard descriptions of group “processes” that sound more like those scene from The Handmaid's Tale where the accused is surrounded by their community, pointing fingers and yelling "Your fault! your fault!" I hear about people being really mean to each other and I keep wondering where the adults are to stop this behavior, and then I realize…I'm the adult.
Anyway, shame and trauma and chosen community...what's your experience been? What lessons have you learned about your childhood shape and how it affects the way you interact as an adult? I'm particularly interested in the way that shame makes it hard for people to communicate with each other. Be good to yourselves out there.
Responses
Tauno Blitsted:
““I will say one thing in defense of restorative justice approaches - which is that poor implementation by folks who are not trained or practiced in restorative justice shouldn’t necessarily discount the model of restorative justice and accountability altogether.
There are wonderful and professional groups and organizations all over the country who are doing amazing work to find paths to healing and repair between people who have experienced harm, hugs included. And the work they’re doing is much more rigorous, thoughtful and grounded than some of what your client(s) have experienced in ad-hoc and chaotic revenge processes that masquerade as restorative justice.
I think its also worth keeping in mind that the mainstream alternative to restorative justice is criminal justice, and that hasn’t been going particularly well, especially for anyone who is marginalized in any kind of way, including by race, sexual difference, gender, mental health, disability, drug users, etc.”
“This is just basic traumatic re enactment in a nutshell. The problem is the dissociation or overwrought emotion that goes with it. We get overwhelmed and can't be present for the healing to happen. That's why stopping the story, slowing down, getting connected to physical sensation (for most anyway) is super important. Trauma (and shame) are in the body and deeply autonomic, you can't rush it and talking about it only engages the pre frontal cortex. The body has to be involved for healing to happen.
Corrina Estey Goldblatt:
That is a heavy one to unpack...the pendulum swing from no one believing you when you say someone hurt you to a group think mentality where there is a witch hunt... I can think of some pretty shitty examples currently and historically ugh but if the very community that should support you will make you lash yourself without absolution then I am afraid that sounds a bit too much like religion...but the other side the other side where people blow off all the assault, racism, ect becuz no one wants to call out cool dude or rock the boat or cause "drama" it's so brutal too.
There were a bunch of awesome responses I didn’t include here but I want to say that I’m really interested in this topic and if you have thoughts after reading this newsletter please reach out and comment or write to me directly. I want to see us taking better care of each other.
Scream Therapy - A Punk Journey Through Mental Health
Jason Schreurs interviewed me on his podcast a couple years ago and he was clearly a cool guy but I forgot it in the midst of early parenthood. Recently he reached out to tell me he’d published this book and it looks fucking awesome:
In Scream Therapy: A Punk Journey through Mental Health, Schreurs and other punks come to a life-changing realization—punk rock helped them at their lowest points and never left their sides. Coping with childhood abuse and an undiagnosed mental health condition, Schreurs discovers punk rock as a youth and becomes part of its tight-knit scene. When a psychiatrist blindsides him with a bipolar diagnosis in his late 40s, Schreurs begins his journey of mental health discovery. A longtime journalist, he gains the trust of other punks with lived experiences and tells their stories alongside his.
Scream Therapy champions the importance of creativity, identity, and wellness in a world that needs it now more than ever. The book challenges readers to find their own creative communities and the catharsis they provide. Punk musicians, advocates, activists, and fans present the subculture as a model for stronger support networks and a healthier, more empathic world. Meanwhile, psychiatrists, counsellors, and health practitioners—all with punk backgrounds—explore alternatives to traditional mental health approaches and treatments.
Featuring the stories of people who stand their ground in a society that discredits and overpathologizes them, Scream Therapy debunks misconceptions about punk and mental health. It shows how marginalized folks, such as those living with addiction, poverty, discrimination, and abuse histories find empowerment and understanding in the punk scene.
